Speaking of Placentas

The rural community I volunteered in had, let’s say, a lot of people who were trying to escape the big city life and go back to nature. That included eating organic foods, the females maybe not shaving all the normally shaven body parts and of course having their babies naturally at home rather then in a hospital where there are dozens of professionals who can help them if things go awry…

Late one night, “Stations 1 and 4 respond to a woman experiencing difficulty during child birth” alerted me over my fire scanner at home. To make things even more interesting our small community only had one ambulance in it and they were already on a preceding call so the next available ambulance was thirty miles away. Luckily that evening, two of our lady volunteers and myself showed up to respond from our station to this adventure.

Arriving on scene of a dimly lit two story apartment complex and naturally the apartment where we were needed was on the second floor. The almost new dad was already waiting for us on the balcony shouting directions as we gathered our medical gear from the engine and rushed up the stairs. With me leading the charge we could hear our woman patient inside screaming in pain as I took the steps two at a time. Dad flung the front door open and I dashed inside.

Now let me set the stage a bit for you all. The lady was lying in, by now, a very messy recliner (sorry no pictures) in the front living room and naturally she was naked, facing right towards me as I come through the front door. Because she was very much in the delivery stage of giving birth she naturally had her legs spread wide apart. With her setting in this scrunched up position naturally that left the unshaven places very much exposed. I know child birth is supposed to be a wonderful time in a person’s life but I believe it is far over rated. I find nothing magical at all, in meeting a pregnant, red faced, sweating, screaming woman, with her naturally unshaven legs spread wide apart. With a new born infant beginning to show, for the first time. For the only time in my life I stumbled backwards from the gruesome sight and grabbed one of my female comrades and shoved her into the catcher’s position as I turned away from the horror. My two female firefighters immediately went to work coaching the mom, reassuring her, wiping her brow and barking out orders to me because by then I had retreated behind the safety of the front door. Periodically I would have to dive out from behind my protective door and hand the fire ladies something they needed out of the medical kit. Looking away, with one hand I would carefully lean in their direction to daintily hand them the device they had ordered. Within just a couple more minutes of extreme screaming our nurse maids were holding the new infant in their hands, as they ordered a blanket. With both of my fire lady "freak-a-zooids" crying by now at the wonder of child birth. I was left wondering what the heck they were crying about.

Now I don’t intend to be mean, but newborn babies are not cute. They are a funny red color. They have wrinkled skin, goop coming out their nose, and are crying at the top of their lungs (I’ve been told that is a good sign). But for the most part they are slimy. Now one thing most people forget about natural child birth is the placenta. If you think new born babies are ugly, one word, the placenta is… nastier. None of the movies we watch even show the placenta being delivered after a newborn child is delivered. You know why they don’t film that? Because it is too darn gross even for T.V. these days.

So since the two fire ladies were drying off, weeping, cooing and bonding with new the soul, they barked for me fetch something in which to catch the placenta in. I darted into the kitchen and found a large Tupperware bowl. Looking away, leaning in; I start to hand the bowl to the new midwives. They both yell at me in their high pitched girl voices, “we’re busy, you catch it”. Ahh… have any of you ever caught a fresh placenta in a big Tupperware bowel before? First, you have to put your hands down there. Naturally it makes you want to puke from the sound as it blurbs into the bowl. The puking sensation intensifies when you start feeling the warmth of it through the bowl. Then you are forced to stand there for a few minutes while the cord is tied off and the umbilical cord is cut. Eventually I ask, “ahhh, what do you want me to do with it?” Both new parents now pop off with “go put it in the kitchen freezer” as I ask “ahhh, why?” Naturally they tell me they are going to cut it up, fry it and eat some of it so they will both have some of the babies soul in them. Naturally you all already know what I really wanted to do next.

A few weeks later this new family stopped in one evening during one of our training classes at the fire station to show off the new baby we had helped deliver. And yes, Naturally I took credit for the whole delivery.